It hurts like nothing ever. What you said that day, Thor, it
hurts. Time and time again I thought it would be okay; Karin died anyway. And
believe me when I say I don’t hate her for what she did. Actually, she didn’t
do anything. It was you. You were always the special one, weren’t you, Thor?
You broke the tradition of women choosing their men and turned it around. But I
can’t blame you for that. You are the Ochre Ring’s First, after all.
Things could have turned back to normal if it weren’t that I
remembered what you said every time I looked at you. Chen tried to hear me out.
She really did; but I locked myself up. I must have looked pathetic. In the
end, she gave me an understanding smile, and reassured me before going on her
merry way with the Third.
And then when Karin died, you realised your Second’s post
was empty and decided to place me there. I couldn’t have resented you more. I
badly wanted to reject your offer. I am your second preference, huh? But then
again, without you, Ochre Ring means nothing to me.
Then, one day, do you remember? You wanted to ‘talk’ to me.
Whenever I think about it, I feel strangely happy. You do remember what my
reply was, don’t you?
‘I’m not your sister, Thor.’
I know you were still mourning the death of Karin, but I didn’t
care. I was busy despising you in anyway possible. Now, I want to clear this
up, I don’t hate you; not for what happened, no. I don’t know if you remember
or not – we have known each other for the longest time. In fact, we were
engaged as soon as you landed on Chimera. It has been, what, four years since
then? And in these four years, you couldn’t realise you didn’t love me that
way? Four years, damn it! Four long years in which I dreamt we would be
together – that’s what I hate you for. For giving me false hopes.
Couldn’t you find one minute between us to tell me that?
Confess your true feelings and we would have been on our ways? You didn’t know
how I would react? Well, sure, I would have thrown a fit and done anything to
stop you from breaking the engagement. But at least I would have understood.
When Karin came along, it seemed like a lame excuse to push me away, to say I’m
like your ‘sister’. It was lame, Thor, really lame.
It really confused me as to why your decisions and interests
changed at once when you went with Zagi. Suddenly, Karin becomes your Second,
and I become someone like you sister. How was I supposed to anticipate that you
would suddenly fall for a girl you met less than a week ago, and turn your long
– ago engaged Second into your sister?
And then again, during your confession, remember when I
asked whether I wasn’t enough and you said you were sorry? You hurt me then,
too, Thor. I was enough and capable and competent for as long as I could
remember, but in less than a week I am not enough for you, am I?
Well, screw this. I don’t care about you, or
your thoughts. I really don’t give a damn.
‘Do you still love me?’ you ask. I don’t how you can even dare.
But I’m not your Second anymore to follow you wherever you go.
Oh, no. I have the resignation letter right now in my back pocket. I’ve been
waiting for the right moment to throw it to your face, and the way you’ve tried
to make up for all the blunders you did made it the perfect time. I
don’t care about you apology, Thor.
I turn around, my back facing you, as I take out the letter
and throw it at you with precision. You don’t read the latter, but wait for my
answer as I grab for the door knob.
‘Tiz!’ you call out.
I snort. How I had hoped each day that I would wake up to
that voice every morning; to your voice.
Things were much easier when we were children, weren’t
they?
My hand lingers briefly on the door knob before I wrench it
open and make my way out.
/You’re like a sister to me./
‘No, Thor. Never again.’
You’re nobody to me.
08.07.09
