Fiction
Honey and Clover.
Sometimes, things happen so abruptly that it topples your world, like it's nothing. Nothing. And you have to get used to looking upside down.
The only memory I have of that day was of my heart pounding hard, real hard, the difficulty in breathing, and of the sweat pouring down my face.
You must be joking!
I wanted to scream at him
I talked to her just an hour ago!
But a strange lump that formed in my throat as soon as Takamoto told me the news, was holding my voice prisoner.
You're lying!
He looks away, unsure of how to react.
'Mayama', he says, coming closer, 'just calm down. Here.', he says drawing a chair at the table. 'Sit down...'
I clutch my shirt tightly.
'...and breathe for God's sake!', he yells.
But dammit, I am trying to breathe!
'The accident-'
And dammit all! It's just getting harder to breathe
I tune out of Takamoto's reporting. I think he knows I'm not listening, but he continues anyway. I don't stop him; I can't stop him. I still haven't found my voice.
Yamada....
I force myself to breathe and wheeze a 'Let's go' before rushing out.
I need to see her.
But Takamoto stops me as I head for the door.
'What?', I snap.
He shakes his head slowly
'She's still in surgery. They won't allow visitors until tomorrow'
'But there's no one with her!'
'Hagu's there, don't worry.'
'Hagu?'
'It was only because of Hagu's ID that somehow ended in Yamada's bag that they were able to contact her. Here -' he says handing me a plastic bag.
And suddenly, I couldn't breathe again.
The object in the plastic bag made my head spin. I felt dizzy
Yamada's prized cell phone, her very first mobile, was sitting in the bag, a hundred pieces and more.
Ayumi....
I breathe out through my mouth and get back to the kitchen for a smoke
'I need to call Shinobu' he says.
'I don't see the need to worry him.' I say, 'It's just an accident. You don't want him rushing from the U.S., do you?'
'Yeah, but - hey, Mayama' his tone goes from understanding to anger. I raise an eyebrow in question.
'How can you be so damn calm?!'
'Just like how you can' I reply
Who the hell said I was calm? He saw me when he told me about her, didn't he?
'Oh yeah, in case you didn't know, I was with Hagu when they took her into surgery and it frikkin' took me long enough to just stop the shaking!'
My heart painfully stops beating for a second as I swallow painfully.
'It really is that bad, huh?'
Takamoto suddenly looks regretful.
'I'm sorry. Of course you would be in pain.'
Pain? Well he got something right.
Takamoto takes a seat across mine at the table, to which I had unconsciously returned.
'Remember when Yamada got her cell phone?'
Another jolt of pain surges with the memory
'She kept calling us thrice a day to remind us she had a mobile'
'Yeah...' he drifts off.
I sigh heavily as her last call to me plays in my head.
'Hey Mayama! *a small laugh* What are you doing? I called Rika just now. She said you needed to see me. I know what it is. It's *a pause* about work, isn't it? Well, come on right up. I'm in the pottery store. You know where that is, right? Hurry up, okay?'
Yamada, you've always tried to hide behind your mask just to see me happy, haven't you?
Guilt creeps inside me.
If ever you confess, I want to turn you down properly. That's what I said, didn't I? You did confess, time and time again. But I've never turned you down. Nomiya did say that I kept you in reserve if ever Rika turned me down. I wanted to challenge Nomiya on that, back then. But now, I'm not sure. May be he's right....
May be I enjoy hurting you.
Takamoto's cell phone buzzes to life and he excuses himself, going out. I don't move, smoking the last of my cigarette and watching the clouds dispelling.
It's funny. It's only when such horrible things happen that a person starts wondering if they did anything to them that they regret.
I almost laugh.
Everything I did to you is worth regretting.
Honey and Clover.
Sometimes, things happen so abruptly that it topples your world, like it's nothing. Nothing. And you have to get used to looking upside down.
The only memory I have of that day was of my heart pounding hard, real hard, the difficulty in breathing, and of the sweat pouring down my face.
You must be joking!
I wanted to scream at him
I talked to her just an hour ago!
But a strange lump that formed in my throat as soon as Takamoto told me the news, was holding my voice prisoner.
You're lying!
He looks away, unsure of how to react.
'Mayama', he says, coming closer, 'just calm down. Here.', he says drawing a chair at the table. 'Sit down...'
I clutch my shirt tightly.
'...and breathe for God's sake!', he yells.
But dammit, I am trying to breathe!
'The accident-'
And dammit all! It's just getting harder to breathe
I tune out of Takamoto's reporting. I think he knows I'm not listening, but he continues anyway. I don't stop him; I can't stop him. I still haven't found my voice.
Yamada....
I force myself to breathe and wheeze a 'Let's go' before rushing out.
I need to see her.
But Takamoto stops me as I head for the door.
'What?', I snap.
He shakes his head slowly
'She's still in surgery. They won't allow visitors until tomorrow'
'But there's no one with her!'
'Hagu's there, don't worry.'
'Hagu?'
'It was only because of Hagu's ID that somehow ended in Yamada's bag that they were able to contact her. Here -' he says handing me a plastic bag.
And suddenly, I couldn't breathe again.
The object in the plastic bag made my head spin. I felt dizzy
Yamada's prized cell phone, her very first mobile, was sitting in the bag, a hundred pieces and more.
Ayumi....
I breathe out through my mouth and get back to the kitchen for a smoke
'I need to call Shinobu' he says.
'I don't see the need to worry him.' I say, 'It's just an accident. You don't want him rushing from the U.S., do you?'
'Yeah, but - hey, Mayama' his tone goes from understanding to anger. I raise an eyebrow in question.
'How can you be so damn calm?!'
'Just like how you can' I reply
Who the hell said I was calm? He saw me when he told me about her, didn't he?
'Oh yeah, in case you didn't know, I was with Hagu when they took her into surgery and it frikkin' took me long enough to just stop the shaking!'
My heart painfully stops beating for a second as I swallow painfully.
'It really is that bad, huh?'
Takamoto suddenly looks regretful.
'I'm sorry. Of course you would be in pain.'
Pain? Well he got something right.
Takamoto takes a seat across mine at the table, to which I had unconsciously returned.
'Remember when Yamada got her cell phone?'
Another jolt of pain surges with the memory
'She kept calling us thrice a day to remind us she had a mobile'
'Yeah...' he drifts off.
I sigh heavily as her last call to me plays in my head.
'Hey Mayama! *a small laugh* What are you doing? I called Rika just now. She said you needed to see me. I know what it is. It's *a pause* about work, isn't it? Well, come on right up. I'm in the pottery store. You know where that is, right? Hurry up, okay?'
Yamada, you've always tried to hide behind your mask just to see me happy, haven't you?
Guilt creeps inside me.
If ever you confess, I want to turn you down properly. That's what I said, didn't I? You did confess, time and time again. But I've never turned you down. Nomiya did say that I kept you in reserve if ever Rika turned me down. I wanted to challenge Nomiya on that, back then. But now, I'm not sure. May be he's right....
May be I enjoy hurting you.
Takamoto's cell phone buzzes to life and he excuses himself, going out. I don't move, smoking the last of my cigarette and watching the clouds dispelling.
It's funny. It's only when such horrible things happen that a person starts wondering if they did anything to them that they regret.
I almost laugh.
Everything I did to you is worth regretting.
